9/23/03

35,000 feet again--but still too low for life--

deeper, so deeper, but still so full of lostness, a child's fear... your strength, my weakness...

This mixture of unbelievably beautiful ,quiet passion of heart, and this pathological clutch of alienness... no home, only sanctuary...no rest, only pauses...yet this stream of joy, of warmth, of depth, of peace -- ?!

it is a mixture and not a solution, and this truth whispers hope to me...someday, my heart will soar beyond the confines of my fear...and oh, will it soar--! His spirit does such tearful and chuckled miracles now...what could be imagined when unchained, when uncoupled, when uncaged, and 'among friends' -- !

But for now -- I'll run to the Shepherd when it hurts (every day), and just carry this burden of fear when I get to help another -- just another load, no different than pride, or ambition, or legacy, or despair -- but one that does not defeat the rescue worker.

and so i wait and weep and love and wade out to help the others get to shore... "He will yet bring me safely..."

But as the wait gets harder and the clock moves slower, the witness of that gets louder and clearer and more certain--

My hope is a Rock -- not the beauty of the clouds, but the texture of granite -- yet a Rock who weeps and laughs and holds my little heart safely, in this ever-present dark night of the soul...